FLAVOR: Clean Night Mint
BRAND: Crest Pro-Health
ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Colgate 360°
The problem with maintaining a toothpaste-themed blog is that I don't buy toothpaste very often. I brush my teeth at least twice a day and an average tube of toothpaste still lasts me about two months. Also, I am incredibly lazy.
ANYWAY, first things first: you can use Crest Pro-Health "Clean Night Mint" to brush your teeth in the morning. Good thing, because fuck if I have to buy two different toothpastes.
"Clean Night Mint" is "formulated with a unique nighttime flavor," also known as MINT. The rather misleading "night" label on this toothpaste has absolutely nothing to do with flavor. I was half expecting this toothpaste to contain some sort of mildly hypnotic sedative, lulling me into the cool, inky dark of night, a gateway to a refreshing, minty dreamscape (I wish: it's three-something AM on a Monday night and instead of SLEEPING I'm writing about TOOTHPASTE). I guess, then, I was automatically half-disappointed by this toothpaste. It's just mint. It tastes good, but it's just mint.
One thing I did notice about "Clean Night Mint," though, is that it does, to a point, leave you with a "cleaner mouth in the morning." For a while before I started using "Clean Night Mint" I had been waking up with what I charmingly referred to as "teeth skin." It was some kind of opaque white gunk that I would find layered upon my front teeth, most likely a combination of dried saliva and dead gum tissue. I can't empirically vouch for "Clean Night Mint" remedying my teeth skin (probably not; besides, I'd rather not have to rely on gimmicky toothpastes to take care of my disgusting hygienic problems), but, for the sake of full disclosure, I did notice a slight difference after I started using the toothpaste. Not to say it was an enjoyable difference, though. The toothpaste left my inner lips and gums feeling dry and vaguely slick, as if they had been completely stripped of any natural emollients they once possessed. Uncomfortably clean, perhaps? So I guess I can't really qualify my mouth as feeling "cleaner" as much as it felt "less like somebody jizzed in my mouth while I was sleeping." Not that I know what that feels like.
—Michael
