BGM

Yellow Magic Orchestra

Crest 3D White "Radiant Mint"

FLAVOR: Radiant Mint
BRAND: Crest 3D White
ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Target brandWay to jump on the 3D bandwagon, Crest.

I'm not sure how Crest can even justify labeling this toothpaste "3D": 1) I squeeze the tube and it doesn't shoot toothpaste toward my face. 2) The toothpaste is a pearly, speckled cyan, but shouldn't it also be red? 3) It doesn't contain any unnecessary scenes of disgusting alien ponytail-sex.

It's just another gross mint-flavored toothpaste.

—Michael

Real talk

Brush your fuckin teeth man, do it hard man. Brush them shits til your gums bleed my nigga! Do something man.
— Ghostface Killah (@GhostfaceKillah) November 30, 2010

Colgate MaxFresh with MINI BREATH STRIPS

FLAVOR: CoolMint

BRAND: Colgate MaxFresh

ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Colgate "the cheap kind on the bottom shelf in the Rocky Hill Walmart"

I ogle this tube as I scan the travel toiletries: metallic blue with an image of breath strips bursting forth from a tiny, glittering dollop of magic. Upon closer inspection, I discover an enticing statement to coincide with the visual: "Infused with Dissolvable Mini Breath Strips" to "Experience a Whole New Dimension of Freshness." I love metallic blue. I love glitter. I love gels infused with goodies that glitter. I love expanding my horizons in fresh experiences. It’s perfect!

I should have realized from the blue packaging and the dazzling blue smear, that this toothpaste would, in fact, be blue gel. Suddenly I’m seven. I’m begging my mom for blue-raspberry-flavored liquid candy in the checkout line. She snorts and hands me blue tooth gel instead. The texture of gel makes me shudder—like when I hear extremely dry hands lightly graze a soft sweater and the skin, like thousands of tiny human Velcro claws, snags on the sweater. Despite these setbacks, I proceed. The prospect of dissolvable breath strips in my toothpaste is too exciting.

The foam is blue, but minty—I half expect it to taste bubble-gummy. I feel guilty as if I just brushed my teeth with Pixy Stix, but I have no sugar high; only fresh breath. I don't notice the breath strips.

In sum, Colgate MaxFresh with MINI BREATH STRIPS fluoride toothpaste is neat-looking and a super-exciting idea, but it is more like Ho-HumFresh with FD&C blue no. 1 fluoride tooth gel. A more appropriate image to depict: toothless women in eastern Europe carrying baskets of fruit, dipping their fingers into a tub of MaxFresh gel, and gently massaging their gums. Now that's worth infusing a breath strip or two!

—Alice

Aquafresh Extreme Clean "Original Experience" (re-review)

FLAVOR: Original Experience
BRAND: Aquafresh Extreme Clean
ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Target brand

When you travel by airplane, your choice of portable, TSA-sized toothpaste tubes is severely limited. I hastily bought a 0.8oz tube of Aquafresh Extreme Clean without re-reading my original review of the toothpaste. Bad idea. This toothpaste still tastes like mint, still tastes like chemicals, and still tastes disgusting. I used maybe half of the tiny tube over the course of my four-day trip and am having a very hard time finishing the rest now that I'm home. (Apparently I'm also having a very hard time throwing away a quarter's worth of crappy toothpaste.) One other thing that hasn't changed with this toothpaste: EXTREME foam. Granted, I was distracted by my iPhone in a lame attempt at multitasking, but I almost choked to death on foam last time I brushed my teeth with this toothpaste.

—Michael