PSA

Vi Hart

This kid

BGM

Yellow Magic Orchestra

Crest 3D White "Radiant Mint"

FLAVOR: Radiant Mint
BRAND: Crest 3D White
ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Target brandWay to jump on the 3D bandwagon, Crest.

I'm not sure how Crest can even justify labeling this toothpaste "3D": 1) I squeeze the tube and it doesn't shoot toothpaste toward my face. 2) The toothpaste is a pearly, speckled cyan, but shouldn't it also be red? 3) It doesn't contain any unnecessary scenes of disgusting alien ponytail-sex.

It's just another gross mint-flavored toothpaste.

—Michael

Real talk

Brush your fuckin teeth man, do it hard man. Brush them shits til your gums bleed my nigga! Do something man.
— Ghostface Killah (@GhostfaceKillah) November 30, 2010

Colgate MaxFresh with MINI BREATH STRIPS

FLAVOR: CoolMint

BRAND: Colgate MaxFresh

ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Colgate "the cheap kind on the bottom shelf in the Rocky Hill Walmart"

I ogle this tube as I scan the travel toiletries: metallic blue with an image of breath strips bursting forth from a tiny, glittering dollop of magic. Upon closer inspection, I discover an enticing statement to coincide with the visual: "Infused with Dissolvable Mini Breath Strips" to "Experience a Whole New Dimension of Freshness." I love metallic blue. I love glitter. I love gels infused with goodies that glitter. I love expanding my horizons in fresh experiences. It’s perfect!

I should have realized from the blue packaging and the dazzling blue smear, that this toothpaste would, in fact, be blue gel. Suddenly I’m seven. I’m begging my mom for blue-raspberry-flavored liquid candy in the checkout line. She snorts and hands me blue tooth gel instead. The texture of gel makes me shudder—like when I hear extremely dry hands lightly graze a soft sweater and the skin, like thousands of tiny human Velcro claws, snags on the sweater. Despite these setbacks, I proceed. The prospect of dissolvable breath strips in my toothpaste is too exciting.

The foam is blue, but minty—I half expect it to taste bubble-gummy. I feel guilty as if I just brushed my teeth with Pixy Stix, but I have no sugar high; only fresh breath. I don't notice the breath strips.

In sum, Colgate MaxFresh with MINI BREATH STRIPS fluoride toothpaste is neat-looking and a super-exciting idea, but it is more like Ho-HumFresh with FD&C blue no. 1 fluoride tooth gel. A more appropriate image to depict: toothless women in eastern Europe carrying baskets of fruit, dipping their fingers into a tub of MaxFresh gel, and gently massaging their gums. Now that's worth infusing a breath strip or two!

—Alice

Aquafresh Extreme Clean "Original Experience" (re-review)

FLAVOR: Original Experience
BRAND: Aquafresh Extreme Clean
ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Target brand

When you travel by airplane, your choice of portable, TSA-sized toothpaste tubes is severely limited. I hastily bought a 0.8oz tube of Aquafresh Extreme Clean without re-reading my original review of the toothpaste. Bad idea. This toothpaste still tastes like mint, still tastes like chemicals, and still tastes disgusting. I used maybe half of the tiny tube over the course of my four-day trip and am having a very hard time finishing the rest now that I'm home. (Apparently I'm also having a very hard time throwing away a quarter's worth of crappy toothpaste.) One other thing that hasn't changed with this toothpaste: EXTREME foam. Granted, I was distracted by my iPhone in a lame attempt at multitasking, but I almost choked to death on foam last time I brushed my teeth with this toothpaste.

—Michael

For your health

Aquafresh Extreme Clean "Original Experience"

FLAVOR: Original Experience
BRAND: Aquafresh Extreme Clean
ADA ACCEPTED: No
TOOTHBRUSH USED: Colgate 360°

This toothpaste comes in a neat plastic box, but it totally sucks.

If you expect this toothpaste's "Original Experience" to take you back to the wistful olden days of soda shoppes, stickball, and brushing your teeth with tooth-powder and a wooden toothbrush, you will be sorely disappointed. If you expect its "Extreme Clean" to taste like Mountain Dew, Rollerblades, or BMX bicycles, you will be sorely disappointed.

Because—surprise!—this toothpaste tastes like mint. The paste itself is a lovely swirl of creamy white and pearlescent orange, so you would expect it to taste like an orange Creamsicle or something, but of course it doesn't. You might think it has a slight citrus aroma as you brush your teeth, but this is only your brain tricking you with a phantom sensation to compensate for the regret you have from purchasing such a disappointing toothpaste.Obviously it cleans your teeth (it's toothpaste, for god's sake, it had better fucking clean your teeth). But to the point of extremity? Of course not.

If this toothpaste has anything going for it, it's that it gets really foamy when you brush. EXTREMELY foamy? Yes, extremely foamy.

—Michael

Of interest

 
23 Tubes 1 Bowl